Control

So after my last flurry of questioning personal happiness and people's reaction to that, I spent most of last night trying to do serious research on BDSM and Dom/sub relationships. "Serious" research on anything that can be a sexual kink is always kind of a crapshoot, but with the right Google search, I think I got the basics. You would laugh if you saw the progression and what I had to look at to find quality information and not personal ads that just said "Dominate me!".

This entry may have some information/opinions expressed that you may not want to read about or associate with me. I have no plans of going into detail about my sex life on my blog (duh!), but if you are a feminist, I have a feeling you may disagree with a lot of this (I do consider myself to be a feminist to an extent, btw). Also, obviously, if you're squicked by this subject matter, just stop reading. I don't want to have to defend to comments about how BDSM is gross and wrong. Constructive opinions only!

The first thing to take note of is the difference between an actual Dom/sub relationship and role-playing for the purpose of sex. The former is something that will penetrate other aspects of your life. A D/s relationship can have a Dom of either sex. Traditionally, women played the submissive role, but especially in the realm of porn, we've all seen/heard of "Mistress of Pain" as well. A D/s relationship is not just about the Dom telling the sub what to do or controlling them. Very simply put, the sub wants their life to be about pleasing their Dom and trusting their Dom to always have their best interests at heart. If it is to be healthy for both people involved, it takes an immense amount of trust and faith on both parts. Trust and faith in your partner is something that we all yearn to have even in a "vanilla" (non-D/s) relationship. This takes it to a new level.
There are a number of levels of control in a D/s relationship. D/s relationships can also be called Master/slave, which tends to indicate a greater level of control in the everyday life and an expression of ownership. In everything I read, it is suggested that you spell out what you want. When it is appropriate for a Dom to have control (just at home? in public or semi-public venues?) and how much control do they have? If you find a guy whose idea of a D/s relationship is that you do the dishes all the time because he doesn't want to, this doesn't necessarily constitute a D/s relationship. He may just be a lazy asshole. However, as someone's sub, if you know that it makes your Dom happy to do so, you will do it without being asked because that is how your relationship works. (Sound familiar?)
The parallels between any normal "vanilla" relationship and a D/s relationship are astounding. Everything I read seemed to ring at least a little true for all the normal relationships I know of. It's just more explicitly spelled out, with a more formal set of rules in regards to behavior.

The idea of "collaring" is fairly controversial, as the collar generally represents a level of ownership, something we reject in American (and most Western) society. The collar is something worn to indicate that you belong to someone else. It's merely a round object placed around the neck. It can be something that you change (wearing a different choker every day) or the same collar day after day. It can be as simple as a ribbon, or as classic as a leather collar. People in a D/s or Master/slave relationship that have been collared see it as a symbol of their commitment to each other. Many of them are married or in a committed partnership.

Take a quick look at your left hand and think about what is/could be there.

To bring this back to my previous wonderings, from everything I've read, it seems that Dani Graves and Tasha Maltby have a classic D/s relationship. Here's where things get complicated. Can a D/s relationship ever be healthy? Just by definition, it seems to indicate a codependency that many would cringe at, especially women (in regards to male Doms/female subs). Have we really worked so hard to be able to vote and have equal rights only to have a few crazies throw it back in our faces? In short, I'd have to say no.
Now, I'm not trying to presume anything about their relationship in general, but she is only 19. Since I was 19 once (as far distant memory recalls...), I know that she's not 100% sure of what she wants or needs for the rest of her life. I sure wasn't. If they stay together and grow together and realize that they're still compatible, bully for them. Awesome. "What the world needs now, is love, sweet love" and all that jazz. Maybe we can all stop being so sure that we know this isn't it and just accept that any 19 year old in a serious relationship is probably going to be caught up in some level of codependency because, let's face it, that's what happens most of the time. So even in the confines of a D/s relationship, just like in the confines of a vanilla relationship, she may find that is good and healthy. Or she may not and move on.
OF COURSE there are instances in which this is unhealthy. I can think of plenty of unhealthy relationships that I see on a regular basis. The problem is that we assume people are happy and safe and loved if they are together as default. With a D/s relationship, we assume the opposite. There must be something wrong with one or both of them.

Much of the problem with this is the idea of willingly allowing someone to tell us what to do. As children, we are forced to accept this and generally rebel in some form or another when we become teenagers. This is what allows us to grow as people and become well-adjusted adults. So why would you revert to this again and give up a level of independence? I want to try and explain what I think by using me as an example. I do not want this to indicate that I somehow want my relationship to change. I consider myself to be quite independent and I have a stubborn streak a mile wide. Handing over control is not something that I would willingly consent to as the norm.
Have you ever been to a restaurant with me? I sit and contemplate and argue with myself over what I want to eat. What if I pick the wrong thing? What if this isn't as good as that? Did I make the wrong choice? Do I really want fries with that? I find it to be frustrating at times. What if JP ordered for me? Would I feel better knowing that he would never order salmon for me, knowing I hate it, but that I didn't have to decide or doubt myself? I know you're thinking "It's just dinner! Get over it already!", but do you see how this could be helpful to someone who has anxiety issues? Is that a valid treatment to anxiety or should we trust a psychiatrist and therapist to tell us taking this pill or doing this thing is what will make us happier. What if handing over that decision makes us happiest?

I realize this is all quite simplified in my explanation, but I really wanted to just get the thought out there that maybe what we assume to be something unhealthy and wrong is actually helpful for some people. Not every D/s relationship will work, just like not every vanilla relationship will work. And having the choice to pick this kind of relationship and maybe be happy living like this is what feminists have worked for. Equality doesn't have to be about control. It can simply be about choosing not to have it.