So, in response to the last entry I wrote about Dani Graves and Tasha Maltby, I have been thinking a lot about personal happiness. She says this is what makes her happy and they're not hurting anyone, and I totally agree with that. But yet, all the time, we judge people for this sort of thing - interests, hobbies, sexual practices, drug and alcohol use, religion. Why? Is it because we somehow do believe that someone is being harmed?
Of course, if your friend is addicted to heroin and says it makes them happy, you disapprove (right?), because we have scientific facts that say this hurts the person. Smoking some pot won't necessarily get you the same reaction because maybe we feel the harm is negligible or as yet unproven. And if you decide that you like Harry Potter enough to buy a tshirt that says "I <3 Severus Snape", people will generally grin and bear it, because there is no evidence that wearing a tshirt will harm you.
So when does it stop become just judgment and start becoming something that you feel should put a stop to? I'll be the first to admit that I do judge people and feel the latter based on some of these things. Religion, for one. Am I only protesting the fact that many religions do harm people by promoting agendas that I find to be reprehensible (e.g., homophobia)? Am I ok with a person with a huge amount of faith that really does treat others the way they would want to be treated? I'd like to say no, but I think I would still wonder if I thought they were being harmed by blindly following an organization. So is it our own personal definition of harm that is guiding this?
Let's say I decide that I do want JP to walk me around on a leash. I'm guessing that my parents and friends would have something to say about it. Why? What if I liked it? Are you afraid that I'm being manipulated? Compromising my beliefs as a woman by being submissive to a man? Are you afraid that my life will be more difficult because of public backlash? If so, I guess you do believe I'm being harmed, and therefore, want to help.
I wonder how much of it is our own comfort, though. Does it make you uncomfortable to see me on a leash? Isn't that your problem, and not mine? Isn't it unfair to say that I should be less happy for you to be more happy? That's the definition of selfish, no?
Is that why sex is so taboo? That we don't often talk about what we do in the bedroom (or not bedroom) because people are so quick to judge? Why is it so shocking that someone enjoys a certain activity? No one's saying you need to. Is consensual BDSM harmful? If you say yes, are you just wondering if the person really wants to be chained to a wall and beaten with a paddle, or are you uncomfortable with the idea of it happening to you? Maybe I want someone to punch me in the face when I'm aroused. If it feels good, is it harmful simply because it produces a bruise? Does it simply boil down to what you believe is more important - our physical health or our mental health?
I don't mean for these questions to be rhetorical. I really am curious, and I definitely don't have all the answers. I've been on both sides of the spectrum. I'm also not referring to strangers who judge, because I know there are assholes out there. I'm talking about our loved ones. When do you think enough is enough? Can we be too "happy" for our own good?
Friday, February 22, 2008
When is enough, enough?
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3 comments:
I don't think I have the right to criticize any humans' way of life, whether they're tied up and begging to be petted or smoking a joint.
So...what follows may be far fetched for some but hang in with me...or don't read...whatever.
When reading Freya's post, I couldn't help but think of the FGM debate. The longterm health risks involved and the view of it as the result of longterm oppression and gender prejudice have brought many to battle its' existence. The World Health Organization states FGM "...has no health benefits and harms girls and women in many ways." http://www.who.int/topics/female_genital_mutilation/en/
3 million women in 30 some countries undergo FGM operations each year. They consider it a phase of development and it continues, steeped in culture. It is, in effect, the only way these girls become women in society's eyes. It is celebrated.
Tasha Maltby says being her fiance's pet makes her happy and they're not hurting anyone. In comparison to FGM, Tasha's fetish seems laughable when considering FGM from a human rights standpoint.
But those who criticize her, who call her a dog, apply their own cultural choices to her way of life. Is that what westerners do, concerning FGM?
Freya asks, "When do you think enough is enough? Can we be too "happy" for our own good?...when does it stop becoming just judgment and start becoming something that you feel should put a stop to?"
Most of me wants to stand up against FGM and the documented mental and physical repercussions but, then again, in Egypt 90% of those procedures are performed by doctors. I wrestle with the thought of taking my idea of healthiness and happiness and applying it to another for their own good. I don't think I'd like to wear a collar and leash but if Tasha's down, whatever, but with FGM, I waver. Many suffer and die from complications but it is, also a piece of culture that is celebrated. Obviously, the practitioners' definition of "their own good" and my own are radically different, so how can I judge?
L
Let's say you decided you did want to be led around by JP on a leash. I would consider this an extreme expression of your faith in JP. On the other hand, I, too, believe that JP can be trusted, and as long as he didn't turn into the kind of bastard that would take heavy advantage over that faith, and as long as you don't tell me I should do the same, I shouldn't have anything to say about it. (except "Whatever!") I would probably assume it was just a phase.
What I'm suggesting is that perhaps your reason for taking issue with the faith of a non-homophobe is that you mistrust the object of that faith, or what you perceive the object to be--"the organization." Perhaps it's much like our parents' former mistrust of "the man." And the more vague the description of these objects are, the less there is to trust.
But you have faith in JP, because you have experienced the fact that he is faithful to you in many ways. So it is with a truly religious person. They have tested (though their testing method may be faulty), and seen that the object of their faith is worthy.
You are right if you say that blind faith is foolish. There is a fine line in which blind faith becomes codependence. There is also a fine line in which the expression of faith becomes harmful to both its subject and its object. The proof is in the kool-aid.
As a matter of personal opinion, I think it's a good thing to challenge the thinking of other people, and to challenge ourselves as well. Why shouldn't we constantly examine our own paradigms and motives? Yes, I think we can be too happy.
It has little to do with harm. It has all to do with how someone else's actions jive with your personal beliefs, the beliefs of your family and how you were raised, the beliefs of your peergroup, and how comfortable you are with believes that grate with your own.
Forget even JP leading you around on a leash. Have I ever judged you harshly or openly for smoking (cigarettes mind you) I've made jokes and poked fun at you, but have I ever made a violent or strong statement against it? I mean, all pointers are there right? It's harmful effects have been proven. Out of my entire extended family I can think of two smokers, one of whom is dead. Out of my peergroup you are the most voracious smoker. All of my other close smoker friends imposed regulations on their habit, no smoking in their apartment, smoke only at bars, etc.
The signs are there, I think, for me to judge you. But I don't? Why?
I think it comes down to how willing you are to force your world view on others. All your reasons for the judged party to being wrong or silly or stupid are just excuses to justify your own worldview.
All the reasons in my own head against smoking, deeply instilled as they maybe, don't make me want to impose my worldview on you. They are my own reasons. They don't have to apply to you and I should expect them to be applied to you. Because it works for you.
We are all the center's of our own little universes and we all expect everyone else to fall in line or at least as close to the line as possible. We surround ourselves with like minded people, or reform our own beliefs to fit in with a new peergroup.
The facts have little to do with it. We can twist them in our own mind so that we can support these worldviews in our head. It's all about how much we want to be accepted and how willing we are to accept.
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