So, for the past year, I feel like I've been fumbling through life, just doing whatever, waiting for my life to start. I am actually waiting for JP to finish law school so that I can go back to school. I feel like once that happens, I will be finally working towards a goal of mine - to get a degree in interior design. My second bachelor's degree.
Yep. While many of my friends have decided to go on and obtain an advanced degree when going back to school, I've decided to completely disregard the 5 years I spent at Pitt and just redo that. In my optimistic moments, I think "who cares? I want to be an interior designer and there's really no other way!", but in my weaker moments, all I can think is, "gee, you think you could've figured out what you wanted to be when you grew up before you were 24 years old?" And that triggers the thoughts of what I always thought I would be doing at 26.
College? Check!
Married/madly in love? Check!
Kids? Grad/law school? Bought house? Paid off undergrad credit card debt (or at least not increased it)? Moved out of Pittsburgh? Had some successful career/job of some sort? Kept my apartment clean? Learned to sew? Inspected my car on time? Stopped staying up late just because I felt like it? Changed the world in some significant way?
Why does what we thought at age 12, 15, 18, haunt us into adulthood? Do I feel like I had any grasp of reality at those ages? Not so much, no. I assumed that life ceased to be fun around 25 and that the rest of your life was spent slaving away to have fun later, when you're too old to enjoy it. My perspective has changed a bit since then, to say the least. I know that I can still have fun, at least until 35 (I'll come back and write this same entry and see what I think then.). I know I can pay my own rent and take care of the apartment (for the most part), and still go out on a random Tuesday if I want (and believe me, I want!). All these things signal success and accepting responsibility in some way or another, no?
Yet, nearly everyone I know has said at one point or another, "I'm just not doing what I thought I would be doing at [insert age here]." I've had many goals in my life that I have had to let go of (being an Olympic gymnast or going to boarding school), but I am still plagued by the others, even if they aren't necessarily what I want now.
Do I like my day-to-day life? Surely. How would that change if I was going to grad school? If I had a house? If I lived in a different city? If I had a better sleep schedule? If I had a kid? It would be radically different, I'm sure.
So, fuck it, dude. Seriously. "There’s no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake." If this is all there is, we better not waste it on overanalyzing our naive ideas of what should've happened according to the gospel of an idealistic teenager. (That's right, I just encouraged y'all to be jaded and cynical. Quarter-life crisis, indeed.)
Thanks for the inspiration, GLaDOS.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
I’m making a note here: huge success.
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2 comments:
When I was in high school, 30 seemed impossibly old to me. I was positive that by 30, I would be reaching the pinnacle of my career goals, I would know everything I needed to know, I would move sure-footedly through the world. But I am now 32, and I don't even really feel grown up yet.
Let me tell you this: I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, from the time I was very very small. That hasn't made it any easier to achieve my career goals, however, it just made it easier to pick out a college. 24 is a fine time to discover what you want to do with your life --- you're still ahead of a lot of people I know.
Thanks Jen!
You know, you were the first cool "older" person I knew, and I relish the fact that I know people who are older than me and still not sucked into career/kids/social climbing. I say I know I can have fun until I'm 35 because that's the oldest of my friends right now. He's about to be a father, though, so we'll see.
Regardless, you were the first to change my perspective and I am forever grateful for that (and you were only 25 when you did it! see, you've accomplished something important!)
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