As we get older and wiser, our lifestyles change. Things that were acceptable or a normal part of our daily lives slowly change or stop. I no longer spend just about every night hanging out with friends. A Friday night in doesn't make me feel like a loser, it makes me feel recharged and relaxed. Cooking dinner for friends and hanging out until 11 (instead of 2, 3, 4 am) become some of the best nights. Let's face it - we may not be old, but our bodies have all passed their pinnacle of functionality. We just can't crazy it up like we used to. A candy bar is not an acceptable breakfast/lunch food. Drinking or even just being out late every night hurts now.
Now, don't get me wrong. We still party like rock stars on occasion, and with my insomnia, seeing 2 am on a weeknight is not particularly a rarity. But it's not the same.
Except for my smoking.
I still smoke. Over the years, most of my friends have quit or limited their smoking. Will and Shan don't smoke in their house. Rob, Ryan, and Kathy only smoke when they drink. Josh and Brian quit outright. And I'm still smoking close to a pack a day.
It used to be that most of us smoked, and those who didn't tolerated it without a word. What happened? When did I become ostracized? When did people start looking down on me because of my addiction? Are they under the impression that I think I'm cool for smoking? Is it really necessary for you to tell me that you hate going to bars because of all the smoke? Anytime I hear criticism of smokers, I feel a little pang in my heart. Don't you think I would quit if I could? Do you think that I enjoy standing outside when it's 20 degrees out, all alone, because I just have to have that cigarette? I am leaving places and people that I was enjoying. Do you know that I feel mortified every time I ask a restaurant for a smoking table and the host/hostess says (with pity and/or scorn in their eyes) "we don't have a smoking section"?
It's fine that you don't like smoking. I'm used to it because I grew up in a smoking household. I don't mind the smell. I love the physical act of smoking. Having ashtrays scattered throughout my home is perfectly acceptable to me. You don't have to let me smoke in your house. You don't have to enjoy smelling like smoke after a night at the bar. But, please - nothing you say makes quitting smoking any easier for me. It just makes me feel like an outcast, guilty of something, judged and pitied. No one wants that.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Light me up that cigarette, and I strap shoes on my feet.
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5 comments:
I agree w/ you Freya. I smoked from the time I was 16 right up until a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I've always been a social smoker, though, so it was kind of easier for me to quit when I did. But, I understand your point. I have a few friends who still smoke and I never ask them to change thier habits to suit me now that I'm a "non-smoker". I try to never make them feel uncomfortable either. If I wasn't pregnant, I know I'd be lighting up right beside them. You know that smoking isn't healthy and that it'd be better for you if you didn't--nothing anyone says to you or any guilt put on you isn't going to change your mind. You're the only one who can decide what's best for you.
I feel fairly implicated in this post, either specifically or generally, so I'm sorry if this reaction to it comes off a bit offen/sive/ded, it's not really meant to be.
I hate smoking. Aside from the oral stimulation and neurological effects I hate all the physical aspects of it. I hate the ashy taste in my mouth, I hate the burning and heavy feeling it leaves in my lungs, Like I just ran a marathon. I hate the greasy residue I can feel it leave on my skin. I hate the lingering odor that doesn't go away until the clothes are washed. Febreeze and smoke-smell I found is more unpleasant that just the smell of smoke by itself.
I spent a lot of time in bars as a kid and young adult. My oldest brother was and still is a bartender, and just in general my family spent a lot of busy evenings that would leave us eating 9 and 10 o'clock dinners at smoke-filled bar/restaurants twice or three times a week.
I have always had pretty heavy smoke/dust allergies, but have been medicated for it as long as I can remember. As a kid though, I forgot to medicate much more often than I do now, and I have extreme memories from 8-13 years old and my risotto tasting like cardboard and having to look at it through half closed teary and bleary eyes. I really just don't want to feel like that again. And it's a subconscious connection but it's still there.
But yeah, I don't like smoking and I don't just include tobacco in this.
So let's get down to it. You are my friend. You enjoy smoking, you are addicted. I'm sorry I don't like it too. I really am. I wish I could understand it and like it because then maybe we could be better friends. But I don't and I don't think I ever will. Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I'm looking down on you, no more than me expressing my distaste for Goo Goo Dolls is me looking down on you. It isn't. I'm judging the thing itself and not you for liking it. I'm sorry if you think I'm judging you for it, but I'm not. And I'm still going to look down on the Goo Goo Dolls regardless if you like them or not.
So you say that those of us who didn't smoke tolerated it without a word. As for me, I never said anything outright because of the above. You were my friend, I wanted to stay that way, and I realized then and realize now smoking is a huge dividing issue. I didn't like it but I put up with it because I liked you. Silently I cursed it and hated it but it was something at least at the time I was willing to bear unsaid.
So you say you feel like an outcast? Awesome. How do you think I felt my freshman year when everyone was going down to smoke in the ashtray, and I didn't want to because I didn't smoke and didn't want to stand around a bunch of smokers? How do you think it feels when all of your friends leave your suite or apartment to go outside and smoke, and you forget you have the option to go out with them even though you don't smoke? How do you think I feel now when the only time my boss wants to talk to me is when there are no other smokers around to go stand outside with her? Yeah it feels pretty fucking awesome to be a non-smoker to be surrounded by a bunch of smokers. It gets to the point where you bottle up your opinion so long you start to get fairly frustrated and borderline angry. You start to feel wrong for not liking smoke or smoking. You forget your opinion is valid and you feel guilty for having it.
For the longest time I remember defending smokers and making fun of people who got bitchy and defensive about being in smoke filled places.
And then the switch happened. I moved away, and all the new friends I made were non smokers, a few of whom were the disdainful bunch. The smoking tolerance I had eventually learned and built up was completely destroyed.
So I come back to my good friends and back to the smoke. I've been silent for six long years. I have lived in a mostly smoke free paradise for two (Remind me to relate a fun smoking story to you later, as this response is getting unwieldingly long). It's come to a breaking point for me. Expecting me to put myself in dissatisfying situations on a regular basis is just as ridiculous for me to expect you to do the same. I don't expect you to do so. I don't expect you to stop smoking because I don't like it, so please don't think I am ostracizing you or judging you or pitying your when I don't want to go somewhere that will be smoke filled or when I prefer to go to a non-smoking establishment.
Janell - thanks for the support. And good for you for quitting! I'm proud of you.
Tim - I had no intention of implicating you, specifically or generally. This was more aimed at people that don't really know me, or people who choose to rant about how they hate smokers (and not just smoking) in front of me, knowing full well that I smoke.
I can't smell smoke in houses, cars, or on my clothing or hair. I have had several people get into my car and tell me that it doesn't smell like smoke. I have also had people be surprised to find that I am a smoker because they claim to never have smelled it on me. I don't know if this is true or not because of growing up in a smoking household and not being able to tell the difference.
I dislike that other people suffer because of my secondhand smoke. When smoking at a restaurant, I won't smoke if other people are eating at my table. However, if you are sitting in the smoking section, I don't want to hear your loud complaints about smokers while I am sitting at my designated table smoking a cigarette (I can't tell you how often this happens). If I am waiting for a bus, I stand away from everyone else and make sure that my smoke is not blowing onto anyone nearby. I realize that I am outside and allowed to smoke where I want, but it's merely consideration for other people that has me do this. Which is why I would like the same consideration in turn, which involves you not making nasty comments as you walk past me. This is unnecessary.
If you don't like smoking, rock on. OF COURSE I wish I never started. It's a nasty habit in many ways. My cats might not live as long as other people's. JP's asthma and allergies are probably worse because of it. I can't sell things on Ebay because my things smell like smoke. I have seen apartment ads that I can't respond to because they don't allow smoking.
It's easy to judge someone by what they like. It's the simplest way to know someone. I do it all the time. "Who would play this song?" is probably the most frequently uttered sentence at PHI happy hours (followed by "Shots, anyone?"). We are judging when we say that because we assume things about people based on their preferences. I like to smoke cigarettes, so I don't care about people around me or my own health. That guy listens to bad Madonna dance remixes, so he is lame. Etc., etc. When we know someone and like someone, their judgments mean a little less in the general sense. I like the Goo Goo Dolls because they are fun and upbeat and maybe you now realize that I am fun and upbeat and it works. You don't like them any more than before, but it's no longer a judgment to mock the Goo Goo Dolls - now you're just giving me shit. But in that fun, friends way. =) (Unless, of course, I'm feeling particularly picked on or defensive/sensitive. Then I get mad.)
I suppose that anyone would also feel like an outcast in their group of friends that drink if you didn't drink. There's always a sense of outsider if one does not conform to the norm. As I've gotten older, I realize my friends are my friends because of who they are and not just because of what we do together. It may start as the latter, true, but it becomes something more. Therefore, if I am choosing to do (or not do) something, it matters less. The concept of peer pressure is also greatly reduced, allowing all of us to just be whoever it is we have become.
Yes, it is my choice to smoke. I have tried on many occasions to quit or severely reduce my smoking. JP can attest to the fact that I am not pleasant during this time. My neurons are all screaming "nicotine, nicotine!" and if I could forget that for more than a 2 minute period, I might be able to make it through my day. Not knowing where my next cigarette will come from scares the shit out of me. It is seriously a gripping fear. I have tried Nicorette, Commit, and the patch, with varying degrees of success (namely, the patch kind of works, the other 2 don't). I haven't tried Chantix because it costs more than my cigarette habit and I don't have the extra money at the moment, but I am certainly willing to try eventually.
I'm sorry that the smoking bothers you so much. That hurts me, truly, it does. I would never want to make you feel uncomfortable or like we couldn't talk about something. This rant was not aimed at my friends and family who think my life (and theirs) would be better if I didn't smoke. I knew you didn't like smoking, but I didn't realize the extent to which it was a problem, and if there is anyone I would consider adjusting myself for, please know you are one of them. I do try to crack windows when you or Jenn are over, and even when it's just me, to try and dilute things.
I completely understand this. When I was back in school last year, I used to love going to work at the clinic because I knew I could go in the garage and have a stress free smoke. Back when I was an undergrad, lots of people smoked. I am not just talking about my group of friends, but lots of people in general. But when I was back in school walking around Oakland, almost no one was smoking. It was weird. I mean, it was so obvious to me that no one was smoking. Where did all of the smokers go? And even now, I smoke on my way to work, but make sure all my windows are down, I give a quick body spray squirt and hand sanitizer before I go into work. God forbid someone knows I smoke!! Someday, I will quit..when I am damn good and ready. And so will you, if that is what you really want!
I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, I can't say I was ever a "true" smoker. I did smoke everyday, but I never felt that "need" to smoke. I am by far more addicted to caffiene than I ever was cigarettes, and therefore it was easy for me to quit. The hardest part for me was finding something else for my hands to do while I was drinking or hanging out.
I did read all of your comments and don't feel angrily implicated but I'm sure I have said things in front of you that may have inadvertantly hurt your feelings, so I am sorry for that. However, I don't think I know Tim but I can understand (at least bit) how he feels. I do hate going to bars because no matter what I do my throat feels dry and scratchy and my nose gets stuffy and runs all the next day. I go anyways every once in a while because I want to socialize with my friends. But to feel at all normal the next day I have to shower as soon as I get home, even if that is at 4am. I have the same problem with cats. Which is why I don't come to your apartment more often, but you know how much I love the kitties. If I'm there I can't help but cuddle and pet them, even if it could kill me.
I think that for as much as you do smoke, you are very courtious. You've never asked to smoke in my home and very very timidly ask if we can sit in smoking when we got out. I really appreciate that. Sometimes (because it's me and I know you'll understand) I feel like I should say no, I want to throw your cigarettes out of a moving car, I want to lock you in a room for months if I have to, to get the nicotine out of your system. I never really would, because I couldn't stand to make you suffer, I love you too much, but it's that same love that makes me want to stop you from smoking. If there was a way to wrap you in bubble wrap and stop anything bad from ever happening to you I would do it in a heartbeat. I know it sounds silly and could possibly sound crazy to anyone reading this who does not know me, but yeah there it is. If you wore a perfume I hated and made me gag (which Dawn actually does) I'd still love you and want to be around you. You are an awesome person, with a not so great habit/addiction. My feelings for you will never change, and my wish for you to always be happy, healthy, safe and outlive me will never change either. I hope that makes you feel better, cause I've met a bunch of your friends and I bet they feel the same way, or at least pretty close ;)
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