February 23, 2009

So, I was incredibly dumb today. Like, ditzy awful dumb.

Last night, Cohen&Grigsby (JP's summer job firm) hosted a summer party at the president's house. The invite said "casual attire", but JP explained to me that this meant I should wear a dress. I have been worrying about this for the past few months, trying to figure out how to interact with all these lawyers and their spouses and talk to them about their houses and kids (of which I have neither). So, trepidatious, we drove out to the $783,000 house (I looked up the address on the county assessment website, lol.). It was gorgeous, of course, and wonderfully, tastefully decorated. I was amazingly impressed. And everyone was so super nice. Not actually that difficult to talk to, and most of them seemed fascinated by my work. I was surprised at how many young people were there, and how many of them had kids. Things were looking like this would be a perfectly fun time.
So, I'm standing with JP, sipping my (very weak) vodka&soda, and I get dizzy. Not just normal spin-head dizzy, but tunnel-vision-I'm-going-to-faint dizzy. I tell JP I need to sit down and he starts to end the conversation, and I tell him I need to sit down NOW, and I just walk away. As I'm walking towards an empty table in the driveway, I realize I'm not just light-headed. I'm about to throw up.

I run to the bottom of the driveway where there are some bushes and trees to block me from site and just vomit, right there, on the mulch part of the landscape of the president of Cohen&Grigsby's beautiful house and lawn. Mm-hmm.
And the neighbors were pulling into the driveway as I did it.

So then I decide I need to sit, but am too mortified to return to the party. I walk to our car (a couple blocks away) and try to call JP. No answer. So I call my next help person - my mom. She's not there, but Erik is and he says he will come get me if I need him to. We hang up, JP calls back. I explain everything to him and he comes to the car with some water. He says it's no big deal to leave (it was already 9:30 or so) and heads back to make his goodbyes. We get home without incident.

What does every girl think when they throw up randomly? What am I most scared of?
I woke up and decided to take a pregnancy test, because I am that paranoid. I bought this last one in a pack of 2, so I had thrown out the directions. It's an ept early detection test. I take it and it looks like this:



Two lines. Two lines means you're pregnant. Omigodnoseriously?!? I sit in the bathroom for a few minutes and then walk out to the living room to tell JP. He takes it really well, I cry. I insist on taking more tests (a la Katherine Heigl in 'Knocked Up'), and we need to get groceries for the Father's Day brunch we're having tomorrow. How ironic, right? So we go to Whole Foods and then I send JP to the liquor store (thinking all the while "no drinking gin and tonics for 9 MONTHS") while I go to Walgreen's. While there, I go to the home pregnancy test section and am trying to find another 2 or 7 tests to take. And then I see the ept box:

It's a plus-minus system. Not a 2 line system.
3 f*cking hours of being 100%, totally convinced I was pregnant. Telling JP that. Discussing it, thinking about it (When's the last time I had sushi? Dammit! No more sushi!), freaking out about it, crying about it, having the internet figure out my due date (February 23, 2009)...and it turns out I'm just a complete moron.
February 23rd is a Monday next year, but who's up for some celebratory cocktails that day?